Something I wrote in the weeks following my father's death...

Grief

​How strange and ironic it is, that the one thing we are all going to have to face in our lives at some point of another, is the one thing we avoid until it happens… this experience that changes who we are forever, is something that we are simply unable to appreciate or empathise with, until the day we experience it for ourselves. Yes, I am talking about Death. The inevitable ‘loss’ of our loved ones.
The end of the two way physical realm relationships.
The ultimate goodbye.
​
They say it is better to have loved and lost than never have loved at all - to be spared from the experience of loss is to have missed one of the fundamental highlights of life. Love. And not only is it impossible for us to prepare for this goodbye, it remains one of the vital and most significant aspects of our human lives. They say, that the way we deal with loss and grief, plays a crucial role in who we are to become. Whether we cling, and get stuck in regret, emptiness and sadness; or whether we let go and allow a new sense of wholeness to be born; the turning of a this new chapter propels us into our lives once and for all, urging us closer to our own inevitable death. And yet - this process of healing is long and infinite with no single passage to the other side. 
I recall the times before, hearing of people, friends and even extended family, losing loved ones. I remember having felt the general pain of loss, on the surface of my being and knowing that i was somehow unable to  feel further than my own experience.. In retrospect, my ability to empathise was extremely limited. Now, i can see, that I was so so far from understanding the true pain of loss. My imagination unable to comprehend such an emotion; humanities survival mechanism perhaps, for to know of the inevitable grief that comes with life and love could indeed jeopardise the way we experience life at all. I always knew that nothing would prepare me for the devastation I would feel one day, when someone dear and important to my sense of being and identity would disappear forever. I dreaded this inevitable moment. I tried to prepare myself by facing the reality of it - and yet, sudden loss is merciless. And here I am. Unprepared as ever, raw and devastated - In the thick of grief, a seemingly never ending ocean of heart palpitations, tears, waves of numbness, and disbelief. Utter disbelief that the main hero in my story, is gone. 

The mind wanders to strange places and I find myself asking whether the degree to which we have expressed our loved, measures the depth of our grief.. or whether one’s pain is heightened due to love that was held back in a case of too-little-too-late? I wonder how many ways a person can be thrown into the desperate sorrow of never seeing someone they loved again. Does grief ever end? As this nightmarish reality seeps into my being, and I wake in fright from bizarre dreams that feed my nights, the weeks pass by, and the pain merely intensifies. I still have no idea how life will shine again. I feel like i’m swimming in the dark, with no shore in sight, as the world continues to spin and life goes on around me. I look around at people living life, people who have lost and people who will lose…. I try to understand how they can go on despite this seeming thievery, the gaping holes that are left in place of significant others. And I am left with nothing but a distance form of trust - if they can do it, so can I? i wonder. Sometimes, It feels like so few people understand this pain… and yet, most people must? this is LIFE after all - and life means Death. How is it that we dont talk about this? How is it that people rush onwards without pause? The strange things people can say in response to the sad news of death, like, “Many people dying lately” and “you must be hurting so much, but guess what i have a new boyfriend!” are comments that catapult me into the abyss of solitude.. I’m sorry - what? i just lost my father. my hero. my saviour. my friend… 

I find myself Seized by desperate desire to know where he went…  
Does he know he died? Does he miss us? Can he see us, feel us, help us…? Anxiety grabs me by the shoulders and shakes me but i cant move.. time is flying by and all feel is the paralysis of sadness.  I am spent - another day passes and my heart is still in pieces. Time oh blessed time, my friend, my enemy, my mirror to the other side. I pray for healing. For understanding. For forgiveness. For the rhythm of life’s receded waves to become an outpouring of love, abundance and creative flow… that the death of a loved one could bring me deeper into the realisation of who i am, during this brief stint of living, is my wish. 
Death bring me closer to living. Loss, leave me with a wholeness undreamt of. Love, leave me with unfathomable trust. Emptiness, bring me richness of spirit. Broken heart, reveal the pain of others so that compassion flows bountifully upon everyone I meet… pain, teach me gratitude for all that life is and all that it isn’t. Darkness, help me to see the light so that I can see the path to another beautiful day - That my willingness to feel, wonder, cry and question shall eventually deliver me into a new space of peace, ease and grace... I pray.